The Joys of Being a Gerbil

Two women’s quest to ultimate hydration….or just a less severe hangover.

I’m sure, at some point, someone said you create the best when at your worst. (And if they haven’t, well world, you’re welcome for that new tidbit of inspiration).

Just in case you doubt the importance or sheer greatness of The Gerbil whilst reading this, we would like to make it clear now you’re wrong. The. Gerbil. Is. Lifesaving.

End of story.

The Gerbil was the offspring of a raging head cold, only made worse by W’s unwillingness to give up skiing. The most oppressive factor of said head cold was the almost crippling dehydration that tagged along with it, only made more dramatic by skiing and the apres beer(s) that followed. So, alone, lying in bed with the heat blasted, under two comforters and three blankets, hoping to sweat the disease out of one’s body, what is a girl suppose to do to stay hydrated?

Gerbil. The answer is always Gerbil.

The Gerbil is easy to come by. You know that water bladder you keep somewhere in the depths of your closet, only to be used when trekking into the wilderness on long hikes or ski tours? That thing that otherwise just sits around, collecting dust and water mildew? See below:

Picture 13

Step 1. Find said bladder. Step 2. Check said bladder for cleanliness. Step 3. Fill with water and proceed to take it with you everywhere you go. You have now completed all steps necessary to being a gerbil.

Now, one must understand that when they first begin gerbil-ing, it might be, well awkward. Your friends won’t understand. Your parents will judge you. Your random one night stand will question why exactly you have a water bladder in bed with you. Take solace in the fact that they are all ignorant of the miracle of hydration you have come by.

You, now, may be questioning the gerbil and why one can’t just carry around a water bottle or keep of glass for water next to their bed, ya know, like those normal people. Well, because both those devices suck.

Water bottles have lids, which means to gather the water from it to your mouth one must remove the lid. That is time consuming. Also, both water bottles and glasses only hold a limited amount, usually being very little. AND, to drink water and not spill it all over your body like some sort of goddamn savage, you have to sit up.

The gerbil, on the other hand, eliminates both those inconveniences by being the best damn thing, ever. Water bladders come in a variety of sizes, ranging from 1 to 3 liters, meaning they hold a hell of a lot more water than that silly pint glass next to your bed. Do you think a mere 16 ounces is really going to lessen the symptoms of minor alcohol poisoning after a night of full-on-saucing? No. Two liters of water though, now you’re in “I might be a decent human tomorrow” business. And because the gerbil has a hose, it doesn’t require you to sit up in order to drink. Your drunk self can lie all up in bed, hose-in-mouth, sipping away into a better tomorrow.

Did you know a study once found that humans are more likely to drink more water if that water comes from a bottle they can suck from? Sucking on something for nourishment is said to remind people of being a baby and sucking from a bottle which relaxes and calms them. (The source of this has not been found by W is sure she read it in some article, at some point, sometime a while back.)



Upcoming on Gnarpoints: We review the Platypus 5000 water bladder. (Spoiler Alert: It’s awesome)