The Joys of Being a Gerbil

Two women’s quest to ultimate hydration….or just a less severe hangover.

I’m sure, at some point, someone said you create the best when at your worst. (And if they haven’t, well world, you’re welcome for that new tidbit of inspiration).

Just in case you doubt the importance or sheer greatness of The Gerbil whilst reading this, we would like to make it clear now you’re wrong. The. Gerbil. Is. Lifesaving.

End of story.

The Gerbil was the offspring of a raging head cold, only made worse by W’s unwillingness to give up skiing. The most oppressive factor of said head cold was the almost crippling dehydration that tagged along with it, only made more dramatic by skiing and the apres beer(s) that followed. So, alone, lying in bed with the heat blasted, under two comforters and three blankets, hoping to sweat the disease out of one’s body, what is a girl suppose to do to stay hydrated?

Gerbil. The answer is always Gerbil.

The Gerbil is easy to come by. You know that water bladder you keep somewhere in the depths of your closet, only to be used when trekking into the wilderness on long hikes or ski tours? That thing that otherwise just sits around, collecting dust and water mildew? See below:

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Step 1. Find said bladder. Step 2. Check said bladder for cleanliness. Step 3. Fill with water and proceed to take it with you everywhere you go. You have now completed all steps necessary to being a gerbil.

Now, one must understand that when they first begin gerbil-ing, it might be, well awkward. Your friends won’t understand. Your parents will judge you. Your random one night stand will question why exactly you have a water bladder in bed with you. Take solace in the fact that they are all ignorant of the miracle of hydration you have come by.

You, now, may be questioning the gerbil and why one can’t just carry around a water bottle or keep of glass for water next to their bed, ya know, like those normal people. Well, because both those devices suck.

Water bottles have lids, which means to gather the water from it to your mouth one must remove the lid. That is time consuming. Also, both water bottles and glasses only hold a limited amount, usually being very little. AND, to drink water and not spill it all over your body like some sort of goddamn savage, you have to sit up.

The gerbil, on the other hand, eliminates both those inconveniences by being the best damn thing, ever. Water bladders come in a variety of sizes, ranging from 1 to 3 liters, meaning they hold a hell of a lot more water than that silly pint glass next to your bed. Do you think a mere 16 ounces is really going to lessen the symptoms of minor alcohol poisoning after a night of full-on-saucing? No. Two liters of water though, now you’re in “I might be a decent human tomorrow” business. And because the gerbil has a hose, it doesn’t require you to sit up in order to drink. Your drunk self can lie all up in bed, hose-in-mouth, sipping away into a better tomorrow.

Did you know a study once found that humans are more likely to drink more water if that water comes from a bottle they can suck from? Sucking on something for nourishment is said to remind people of being a baby and sucking from a bottle which relaxes and calms them. (The source of this has not been found by W is sure she read it in some article, at some point, sometime a while back.)

 

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Upcoming on Gnarpoints: We review the Platypus 5000 water bladder. (Spoiler Alert: It’s awesome)

First Post / Avoiding life / Things We’ve Learned From Working at a Ski Resort

1. Don’t date and/or sleep/hookup with anyone you work with directly (Getting drunk and making out with someone is acceptable but you lose points). Seriously. I don’t care if they work at the other base and you only see them when you are conveniently heading to the spa to take your weekly shower. It’s a small world and everyone will know by like day 3, i.e. after you sleep together.

2. Start out the season by buying the guys at the repair shop LOTS of beer. You WILL put core shots in those skis and there are only so many times your winning smile and tits will get you out of paying for shit until they realize you aren’t actually going to sleep with them and/or how ridiculous you really are. Beer. Lots of it. And step it up from your usual cube of PBR.

3. You should really start looking for that summer job. Like now. (Unless you’re evidently like W and are buying new ski boots and somehow finagle a job offer. I mean WTF.)

4. Don’t drink with management. Attend the events, but never be the drunkest person there. People will remember that shit and it sucks.

6. “It’ll buff out”. Our ski school motto. Basically, stop worrying about everything, it’s going to be fine. Example, “I put a core shot in those demo skis, but no worries, it’ll buff out”. Or, “I accidentally got drunk and slept with my ex.” Response: “Shit’ll buff out, but I’d maybe try not to do that in the future”.

7. New gear is like having a new baby. Yeah, we know its expensive, but we don’t want to talk wallets, we want to talk about how fucking awesome it is! So skip the “Do you really have money for that new pair of skis/boots/skins/goggles/helmet/bindings etc” talk. and go straight to the “Congratulations! Let’s shred!”.

8. Frequent showering isn’t necessary (well at least if you’re W). Getting up in the morning is difficult. Getting up and having to look (and smell) presentable is even more difficult. So skip the shower for 2, 3, or hell even 7 days, and to really drive the point home wear your same sweaty, smelly, unwashed base layers (gnar points if you woke up in them). If people can still like you while you reek at the end of a ridge hike they’ll hopefully still like you when that ridge stank is still seeping out your arm pits three days later. You might want to change underwear frequently enough that your personal health isn’t at risk.

9. “Healthy” diets aren’t necessary. Skiing everyday, or close to it, coupled with sub-zero temperatures means calories don’t count. Ever. And that gives you freedom to eat whatever the hell you want. Our foods of choice: peanut butter and pizza. Both are fast, easy, and chalk full of enough fat calories to get you through a day of carpet slinging three five year old first-experience skiers. And if you want to use it for every meal, that’s fine (G: “Last month I ate six meals in a row that were Peanut Butter based”). Breakfast: English muffin with peanut butter. Lunch: PB and J. Dinner: Peanut butter by the spoonfuls (Your arms will be too tired to lift much more than that after you bench pressed kids off the slopes all day). And pizza, that’s a given. Not only is it fast, but its also cheap, and totally acceptable if you order a large, to yourself, and eat off it for a week. I mean, let’s be real here, if we aren’t showering we sure as shit aren’t cooking.

10. Just because you work at a ski resort doesn’t necessarily mean you HAVE to ski everyday, but you better come damn close. Skiing cures irrational anger due to, but not limited to: loss of car keys, that co-worker you slept with before knowing any better, the thought of finding a summer job, the common hangover, failure to pay the bills on time, the thought of growing up and finding a “real job”, and many other daily things that, frankly, suck in comparison to skiing. Yes, the snow will be there tomorrow so take a personal day once or twice a season to take care of what really matters; or not remove yourself from bed until 4 p.m., because lets be honest, one-on-one time with your bed will significantly decrease as your time and work at a ski resort increases.

10. Once more with emphasis, re-read #1.

11. If you’re working at a ski resort you’re more than likely living in the mountains and/or spending a significant portion of your time in mountains. Mountains are awesome. Period. Forever be humbled by them.